A bit more clarification on what happened with Haruka and why/how he and Doumeki separated but Doumeki isn't sure if he's alive or dead. Also since he talked to Kurogane ahead of time, clarify if that is Haruka knowing things or if its just 'i'm getting old and won't be around forever'.
That's an interesting one. Quite a lot of that section wound up being left deliberately vague simply because I was having hell getting any version of events that went into any detail to work as told from Doumeki's perspective - especially since I still wanted enough uncertainty in there for Watanuki's later revelation that he actually knew more about what had happened to Haruka than Doumeki did mean something. I'll certainly keep that in mind when I get to revising that part though.
Also since he talked to Kurogane ahead of time, clarify if that is Haruka knowing things or if its just 'i'm getting old and won't be around forever'.
Well, both. He knew he was getting old and wouldn't be around forever, which I think should've been included in what Kurogane told Doumeki about the conversation later. I was hoping to be able to expand on things a bit if I get to writing the scene where Haruka met Kurogane.
Tomoyo being preserved at her age could use a bit more explanation, or at least be alluded to earlier. Rumors about the leader of the complexes being immortal that deadlands people alternately believe or scoff at (but without giving away who that leader is)
Yeah, I'm hoping to do a bit of rewriting of that section as it is. I would've like to be able to make more out of Tomoyo's immortality - it didn't wind up getting nearly the emphasis I think I was originally planning to give it - but it's difficult to know where it'd fit. It doesn't really work having anyone in the deadlands hear rumours about an immortal leader though, because they really don't know anything about what goes on inside, and Kurogane's camp are the last people who'd pay attention to Complex-stories. Perhaps I could slip something into one of Fye's stories about it somewhere. It'd be tricky though - it's not something that'd come up in conversation without getting a massive FUTURE PLOT ELEMENT anvil feeling to it.
On the other hand, maybe I could also slip some sort of mention of it into Kurogane's backstory so it at least comes up earlier, or have Doumeki wondering at someone Tomoyo's age in charge of the Complex, or something like that... *ponders*
Also a little bit more about why she let the go at the end would be good.
I'm sure it would be, though I was already fighting Tomoyo was tooth and nail for any useful details along those lines first time through. :/ But there really wasn't much more to it than what she said at the time. Fye pretty much had it right with "But there wasn’t any other way she could have lost gracefully once we’d made it so very clear to her that there was nothing she could possibly say to us that would make us willing to stay."
I do seem to be overly fond of vagueness, don't I? ^^; In a few cases though, I would prefer to leave the details open to interpretation. Characters like Haruka and Tomoyo do much prefer being mysterious than being polite enough to spell everything out. I know it won't be very satisfying if I wind up going overboard with it though...
I like the idea of traders showing up. Humm maybe you could use Magic Knight Rayearth characters (i don't believe you've used any of them yet). I could see Hikaru and Eagle exchanging gossip while Lantis looms in the background.
Well, the reason there haven't been any Magic Knight Rayearth characters is that I haven't seen the series and really don't have much interest in any of the characters. They haven't had much of a role in Tsubasa either, so I don't even know them second hand.
You've certainly given me some things to think about, anyway.
A lot of thinking aloud here...
That's an interesting one. Quite a lot of that section wound up being left deliberately vague simply because I was having hell getting any version of events that went into any detail to work as told from Doumeki's perspective - especially since I still wanted enough uncertainty in there for Watanuki's later revelation that he actually knew more about what had happened to Haruka than Doumeki did mean something. I'll certainly keep that in mind when I get to revising that part though.
Also since he talked to Kurogane ahead of time, clarify if that is Haruka knowing things or if its just 'i'm getting old and won't be around forever'.
Well, both. He knew he was getting old and wouldn't be around forever, which I think should've been included in what Kurogane told Doumeki about the conversation later. I was hoping to be able to expand on things a bit if I get to writing the scene where Haruka met Kurogane.
Tomoyo being preserved at her age could use a bit more explanation, or at least be alluded to earlier. Rumors about the leader of the complexes being immortal that deadlands people alternately believe or scoff at (but without giving away who that leader is)
Yeah, I'm hoping to do a bit of rewriting of that section as it is. I would've like to be able to make more out of Tomoyo's immortality - it didn't wind up getting nearly the emphasis I think I was originally planning to give it - but it's difficult to know where it'd fit. It doesn't really work having anyone in the deadlands hear rumours about an immortal leader though, because they really don't know anything about what goes on inside, and Kurogane's camp are the last people who'd pay attention to Complex-stories. Perhaps I could slip something into one of Fye's stories about it somewhere. It'd be tricky though - it's not something that'd come up in conversation without getting a massive FUTURE PLOT ELEMENT anvil feeling to it.
On the other hand, maybe I could also slip some sort of mention of it into Kurogane's backstory so it at least comes up earlier, or have Doumeki wondering at someone Tomoyo's age in charge of the Complex, or something like that... *ponders*
Also a little bit more about why she let the go at the end would be good.
I'm sure it would be, though I was already fighting Tomoyo was tooth and nail for any useful details along those lines first time through. :/ But there really wasn't much more to it than what she said at the time. Fye pretty much had it right with "But there wasn’t any other way she could have lost gracefully once we’d made it so very clear to her that there was nothing she could possibly say to us that would make us willing to stay."
I do seem to be overly fond of vagueness, don't I? ^^; In a few cases though, I would prefer to leave the details open to interpretation. Characters like Haruka and Tomoyo do much prefer being mysterious than being polite enough to spell everything out. I know it won't be very satisfying if I wind up going overboard with it though...
I like the idea of traders showing up. Humm maybe you could use Magic Knight Rayearth characters (i don't believe you've used any of them yet). I could see Hikaru and Eagle exchanging gossip while Lantis looms in the background.
Well, the reason there haven't been any Magic Knight Rayearth characters is that I haven't seen the series and really don't have much interest in any of the characters. They haven't had much of a role in Tsubasa either, so I don't even know them second hand.
You've certainly given me some things to think about, anyway.