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rallamajoopShortish part today, mostly angsty Watanuki instrospection. I'm coming to the realisation at the moment that now that I've gotten to the second of those original two scenes I wrote, I'm through all the stuff I had well planned out and out into less well charted territory. So, uh, if anyone feels they might be able to bounce some ideas for Doumeki's backstory in useful directions for me and feels like tracking me down via chat of some kind or other, now would be the time to let me know. ^^;
Other parts: The original ficlets, Plot notes, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13
Tensions between them were still strained from the incident when Watanuki lead Doumeki on his first supply mission since their reunion. Nothing since his earliest days at Kurogane’s camp could have put that much pressure on him, but whether Doumeki’s presence had anything to do with it or not, they were successful. They returned home with a pack stuffed with old boots – at least, they must have been old to have been sitting where they’d found them, and no-one had the means to make shoes that well these days – but like so many of Watanuki’s finds, they were in perfect condition, and more solid than any shoes Doumeki had worn in years.
They didn’t talk about the argument they’d had after Doumeki’s return again, though Watanuki had to have been thinking about it. More specifically, he probably thought Doumeki was being ridiculously stupid about it – and he might even have been right on that account. However, he didn’t want to be drawn into another argument with Doumeki, he’d do just about anything to avoid that now, and if staying silent on an uncomfortable subject was what it took, it was a price he was prepared to pay.
It should have made Doumeki feel guilty about how he was handling the issue – he’d never have meant to take advantage of any of Watanuki’s subservient habits – if he’d been prepared to think about the situation at all.
“Don’t you think maybe we’ve been putting a bit too much pressure on the poor boy lately?” Fye said to Kurogane a few evenings after Doumeki had gotten back. “He’s starting to feel like we don’t trust him.”
“I trust him,” Kurogane replied, making the statement impersonally matter-of-fact. “It’s his abilities we don’t trust. He’s in no position to complain. He doesn’t trust them himself.”
“Oh, Kuro, you make it sound so easy to separate the two!” Fye sighed.
“He’s known where I stand from the start,” Kurogane shrugged. “My opinion doesn’t matter much. Neither of us are the one he wants to believe in him.”
“Oh, Shizuka may not know what he believes,” said Fye, “but he must have run out of any reasons to doubt that what Kimihiro does is real long ago.”
"And? There's a difference between believing someone and believing in them."
"Mm," Fye leaned back on his chair to look Kurogane in the eye. "Do you believe in me, Kuro? I believe in you, you know."
Not this again. "There's no need."
"Of course there is! Everyone needs someone to believe in them. You know I don't care about the big, scary thing in your past."
"What thing."
"Exactly!" beamed Fye.
It was going to be one of those evenings. They wouldn’t be returning to their original topic again tonight, whatever Kurogane said now, but they’d mostly exhausted what either had to say in that regard already.
***
It was stupid how much Doumeki could get to him, Watanuki reflected, having given up once and for all on ever getting away from the subject.
It was getting to the point where he was starting to wonder whether the others had been right about why he was so useless with Doumeki not around – that he’d gone as mad as everyone else here and it really was all psychological. He’d been getting so used to those missions being something they did together that he honestly couldn’t rule out the side possibility that Doumeki’s absence had thrown him so badly that he’d started making phenomenally stupid decisions about which spirits to trust. Ultimately, maybe it was all just in his head. It wouldn’t have been the first time.
He couldn’t quite convince himself that it was, though – and anyway, when it came down to it, it didn’t matter what the detail was from any practical point of view. Either way, he was functionally useless without Doumeki around. And it must have been that way for a while too, but it wasn’t until Doumeki had been away for so long that it had finally struck him just how ridiculously dependent he was becoming. If he’d needed any further wake up call on the subject, that conversation with Haruka had done nicely. It had taken him most of the morning after he’d had that dream to remember that Doumeki was an impersonal, unsympathetic jerk most of the time; the mood of the encounter had been so profound.
And once Doumeki had actually returned, there’d been this one traitorous part of his mind which was more relieved to see him than even all those failed missions could properly account for. He was glad to have Douneki back even despite all surrounding circumstances, and that irritated him even more.
It was just so utterly unlike him to become attached to anyone. Even allowing for the fact his history still had him more than half believing some crazed rival gang was going to charge in here any day now, slaughter everyone here and steal him away yet again. It had been a horrible inevitability a every camp he’d been part of for years – he’d even thought he’d finally become resigned to it, but it had never given him nightmares before. And that was with regards to the non-Doumeki members of the camp.
There was precedent for this kind of reaction from him, of course, years back, but with his heart so broken as it had been then, he’d thought at least he must have learnt his lesson.
Apparently not.
“Need someone to talk to?” offered a friendly voice.
Watanuki jumped, looked back over his shoulder and spotted the corresponding familiar face. “Ah, thankyou, but I’m alright – really.”
“Are you?” she peered into his face, hands placed on her hips. “You like it here, don’t you?”
“I suppose,” Watanuki admitted. “Everyone’s been…” The natural end to that sentence was probably ‘very kind to me’, but ‘very weird to me’ was more along the lines of what he felt was accurate. “Well, they… treat me like an ordinary person here. It’s good, it’s just different from what I’m used to.”
“It took you long enough to get here,” she declared, playfully reprimanding. “You’d better intend to stay put this time!”
Watanuki tried not to stare at her too obviously as he puzzled over how he was supposed to respond to a statement like that. This was always the problem with trying to have a casual conversation with a ghost - they always knew more than you, or less than you, or they were mentally still stuck back in the same year they’d died and refused to acknowledge anything that had changed since. It led to the making of a lot of horribly cryptic statements.
Hokuto was always friendly in a bewildering sort of way when she managed to track him down, which she did intermittently and usually with loud complaints about how much he’d moved around – often delivered regardless of whether he’d changed camps in the meantime. Case in point, Kurogane’s camp wasn’t even really gone very far from where he last saw her. Or last thought he’d seen her – somewhere in the midst of all the chaos and screaming that erupted when they’d brought out the knife on him that day.
He had made carefully sure to never be too certain what he’d seen. He hadn’t wanted to watch, and he’d forgotten as much of it as he could manage, but meeting her again now it made it hard not to get the edge of an image of a very different grin on her face, in the midst of all those others he might never have recognised; a flash of silver in her hand, her voice too happily telling one of the men who probably shouldn’t even see her just what she would do to anyone who threatened Watanuki like that…
Watanuki really, really didn’t need to be recalling something like that now.
She meant well, anyway, even if she was a bit odd to talk to, and showed it in strange ways.
“I don’t get a lot of say in how much I move about a lot of the time,” he told her apologetically.
“Well, dig your heels in for once!” Hokuto instructed. “You do want to stay, don’t you?”
“I do, just…” he trailed off, wondering just what good digging in his heels was supposed to do against a rival gang.
“Aha! I knew there was something you weren’t talking about!”
“It’s nothing, really,” Watanuki tried again, hesitated, and let out a sigh. “I think maybe having something good is just making me selfish.”
“That’s alright! A little selfishness now and then is perfectly healthy.”
“Ah…?”
“So Hokuto-chan herself declares!” Hokuto leapt to her feet for emphasis. Then, the effect over with, she glanced to the side, prompting Watanuki to follow her gaze and find Sakura and Syaoran had come up behind him.
“Ah,” Sakura’s hand flew over her mouth. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were talking to someone.”
“Someone?” asked Syaoran. “There’s someone else here? You mean a ghost?”
“R… right,” Watanuki started to say, but Hokuto cut him off.
“Oh, don’t mind me, I was just on my way,” she said, giving Sakura friendly wink, which should have conveyed the same even if the girl couldn’t hear her. She gave all three of them a goodbye wave, and faded away.
“Is she a friend of yours?” Sakura asked, still looking a little flustered for having interrupted.
“Sort of,” said Watanuki, then for Syaoran’s benefit, he thought to add, “But… er, she’s gone now.”
Syaoran treated this with the same nonchalance he approached everything in the world of the supernatural. “Good timing then. Shizuka asked us to find you.”
It was completely unfair how many different emotions a simple statement like that could evoke in him these days. Stupid Doumeki, he thought, then felt guilty about it. Life was good here – in their own bizarre ways, these were all good people.
Even if he might have had a complaint or two, it could all have been so very much worse.
Other parts: The original ficlets, Plot notes, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13
Tensions between them were still strained from the incident when Watanuki lead Doumeki on his first supply mission since their reunion. Nothing since his earliest days at Kurogane’s camp could have put that much pressure on him, but whether Doumeki’s presence had anything to do with it or not, they were successful. They returned home with a pack stuffed with old boots – at least, they must have been old to have been sitting where they’d found them, and no-one had the means to make shoes that well these days – but like so many of Watanuki’s finds, they were in perfect condition, and more solid than any shoes Doumeki had worn in years.
They didn’t talk about the argument they’d had after Doumeki’s return again, though Watanuki had to have been thinking about it. More specifically, he probably thought Doumeki was being ridiculously stupid about it – and he might even have been right on that account. However, he didn’t want to be drawn into another argument with Doumeki, he’d do just about anything to avoid that now, and if staying silent on an uncomfortable subject was what it took, it was a price he was prepared to pay.
It should have made Doumeki feel guilty about how he was handling the issue – he’d never have meant to take advantage of any of Watanuki’s subservient habits – if he’d been prepared to think about the situation at all.
“Don’t you think maybe we’ve been putting a bit too much pressure on the poor boy lately?” Fye said to Kurogane a few evenings after Doumeki had gotten back. “He’s starting to feel like we don’t trust him.”
“I trust him,” Kurogane replied, making the statement impersonally matter-of-fact. “It’s his abilities we don’t trust. He’s in no position to complain. He doesn’t trust them himself.”
“Oh, Kuro, you make it sound so easy to separate the two!” Fye sighed.
“He’s known where I stand from the start,” Kurogane shrugged. “My opinion doesn’t matter much. Neither of us are the one he wants to believe in him.”
“Oh, Shizuka may not know what he believes,” said Fye, “but he must have run out of any reasons to doubt that what Kimihiro does is real long ago.”
"And? There's a difference between believing someone and believing in them."
"Mm," Fye leaned back on his chair to look Kurogane in the eye. "Do you believe in me, Kuro? I believe in you, you know."
Not this again. "There's no need."
"Of course there is! Everyone needs someone to believe in them. You know I don't care about the big, scary thing in your past."
"What thing."
"Exactly!" beamed Fye.
It was going to be one of those evenings. They wouldn’t be returning to their original topic again tonight, whatever Kurogane said now, but they’d mostly exhausted what either had to say in that regard already.
***
It was stupid how much Doumeki could get to him, Watanuki reflected, having given up once and for all on ever getting away from the subject.
It was getting to the point where he was starting to wonder whether the others had been right about why he was so useless with Doumeki not around – that he’d gone as mad as everyone else here and it really was all psychological. He’d been getting so used to those missions being something they did together that he honestly couldn’t rule out the side possibility that Doumeki’s absence had thrown him so badly that he’d started making phenomenally stupid decisions about which spirits to trust. Ultimately, maybe it was all just in his head. It wouldn’t have been the first time.
He couldn’t quite convince himself that it was, though – and anyway, when it came down to it, it didn’t matter what the detail was from any practical point of view. Either way, he was functionally useless without Doumeki around. And it must have been that way for a while too, but it wasn’t until Doumeki had been away for so long that it had finally struck him just how ridiculously dependent he was becoming. If he’d needed any further wake up call on the subject, that conversation with Haruka had done nicely. It had taken him most of the morning after he’d had that dream to remember that Doumeki was an impersonal, unsympathetic jerk most of the time; the mood of the encounter had been so profound.
And once Doumeki had actually returned, there’d been this one traitorous part of his mind which was more relieved to see him than even all those failed missions could properly account for. He was glad to have Douneki back even despite all surrounding circumstances, and that irritated him even more.
It was just so utterly unlike him to become attached to anyone. Even allowing for the fact his history still had him more than half believing some crazed rival gang was going to charge in here any day now, slaughter everyone here and steal him away yet again. It had been a horrible inevitability a every camp he’d been part of for years – he’d even thought he’d finally become resigned to it, but it had never given him nightmares before. And that was with regards to the non-Doumeki members of the camp.
There was precedent for this kind of reaction from him, of course, years back, but with his heart so broken as it had been then, he’d thought at least he must have learnt his lesson.
Apparently not.
“Need someone to talk to?” offered a friendly voice.
Watanuki jumped, looked back over his shoulder and spotted the corresponding familiar face. “Ah, thankyou, but I’m alright – really.”
“Are you?” she peered into his face, hands placed on her hips. “You like it here, don’t you?”
“I suppose,” Watanuki admitted. “Everyone’s been…” The natural end to that sentence was probably ‘very kind to me’, but ‘very weird to me’ was more along the lines of what he felt was accurate. “Well, they… treat me like an ordinary person here. It’s good, it’s just different from what I’m used to.”
“It took you long enough to get here,” she declared, playfully reprimanding. “You’d better intend to stay put this time!”
Watanuki tried not to stare at her too obviously as he puzzled over how he was supposed to respond to a statement like that. This was always the problem with trying to have a casual conversation with a ghost - they always knew more than you, or less than you, or they were mentally still stuck back in the same year they’d died and refused to acknowledge anything that had changed since. It led to the making of a lot of horribly cryptic statements.
Hokuto was always friendly in a bewildering sort of way when she managed to track him down, which she did intermittently and usually with loud complaints about how much he’d moved around – often delivered regardless of whether he’d changed camps in the meantime. Case in point, Kurogane’s camp wasn’t even really gone very far from where he last saw her. Or last thought he’d seen her – somewhere in the midst of all the chaos and screaming that erupted when they’d brought out the knife on him that day.
He had made carefully sure to never be too certain what he’d seen. He hadn’t wanted to watch, and he’d forgotten as much of it as he could manage, but meeting her again now it made it hard not to get the edge of an image of a very different grin on her face, in the midst of all those others he might never have recognised; a flash of silver in her hand, her voice too happily telling one of the men who probably shouldn’t even see her just what she would do to anyone who threatened Watanuki like that…
Watanuki really, really didn’t need to be recalling something like that now.
She meant well, anyway, even if she was a bit odd to talk to, and showed it in strange ways.
“I don’t get a lot of say in how much I move about a lot of the time,” he told her apologetically.
“Well, dig your heels in for once!” Hokuto instructed. “You do want to stay, don’t you?”
“I do, just…” he trailed off, wondering just what good digging in his heels was supposed to do against a rival gang.
“Aha! I knew there was something you weren’t talking about!”
“It’s nothing, really,” Watanuki tried again, hesitated, and let out a sigh. “I think maybe having something good is just making me selfish.”
“That’s alright! A little selfishness now and then is perfectly healthy.”
“Ah…?”
“So Hokuto-chan herself declares!” Hokuto leapt to her feet for emphasis. Then, the effect over with, she glanced to the side, prompting Watanuki to follow her gaze and find Sakura and Syaoran had come up behind him.
“Ah,” Sakura’s hand flew over her mouth. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were talking to someone.”
“Someone?” asked Syaoran. “There’s someone else here? You mean a ghost?”
“R… right,” Watanuki started to say, but Hokuto cut him off.
“Oh, don’t mind me, I was just on my way,” she said, giving Sakura friendly wink, which should have conveyed the same even if the girl couldn’t hear her. She gave all three of them a goodbye wave, and faded away.
“Is she a friend of yours?” Sakura asked, still looking a little flustered for having interrupted.
“Sort of,” said Watanuki, then for Syaoran’s benefit, he thought to add, “But… er, she’s gone now.”
Syaoran treated this with the same nonchalance he approached everything in the world of the supernatural. “Good timing then. Shizuka asked us to find you.”
It was completely unfair how many different emotions a simple statement like that could evoke in him these days. Stupid Doumeki, he thought, then felt guilty about it. Life was good here – in their own bizarre ways, these were all good people.
Even if he might have had a complaint or two, it could all have been so very much worse.
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Date: 2008-02-05 01:01 am (UTC)*laughs* I wanted to make sure I missed no possible connections between them. XD
The sad part is that I've made this icon back in September'07 and the question remains unanswered still... Oh Clamp *sighs*