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rallamajoopJust a shortish part this week, to fill in the gap before I get back up the bigger plot things which are shortly to follow. I'm through to the end of the second major section of the story in my notebook now, which is very satisfying. Makes me feel like I'm finally getting somewhere with this monster.
Other parts so far: The original ficlets, Plot notes, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7
The best thing that could be said about the conversation Watanuki had with Sakura the following day was that it was the one such event that week that didn’t come as a complete surprise, because she’d been looking at him like she had something to say all day. When Fye vanished off into the lab building for some part or other he needed, she didn’t wait long before making the most of the opportunity.
“Syaoran-kun told you, didn’t he? What I can see?” she asked softly, even as she was fishing busily through the toolbox with her grease-stained hands.
Several thoughts collided in Watanuki’s head regarding the probability of Syaoran having told Sakura the full contents of their conversation the day before versus the odds he’d misinterpreted Sakura’s statement completely. Only then did it occur to him that Syaoran could have mentioned that one part without telling her all the details. It would probably be prudent not to bring up any more than he was sure she knew, anyway.
“The ghosts?” he said, instinctively letting his voice rise no louder than hers.
Sakura nodded. “On cloudy days, there’s a grey woman who watches the sunrise from the edge of the camp. You’ve seen her too, right?”
Watanuki could only stare, eyes wide.
“I’m not like you,” Sakura said sadly, finding the tool she needed by touch and bringing her hands back to her chest. “I can only barely see them. Often, they’re only shapes and I can’t make any sense of what they try to say to me. I see their mouths move, and they point and try to tell me things, but I can’t hear a word. They can’t show me where to find things like they can show you. I can’t help them like you can.”
“But – you really see them!” Watanuki blurted. “No-one else I’ve ever met could do that. I thought I must be the only one in the world…”
But Sakura was shaking her head. “All I can do is see how much they’re hurting. What you can do – it’s all real, isn’t it? It’s so much more important.”
“I don’t know that I really help them,” replied Watanuki. “When they talk to me – take me places, it’s them trying to help us, mostly. I can’t do much for them in return. Most of them don’t seem to want anything.”
“But you can still listen, can’t you? Even just to have someone who can listen, I’m sure that must mean a lot to so many of them.”
Watanuki recalled many nights spent in childhood – even into his older years – huddled under whatever covers he had, blocking his hears against hundreds of voices crying and wailing horrors he couldn’t bear to hear. He’d never felt guilty about it before. It hadn’t happened nearly so much since he’d joined this camp – thank god, he didn’t want to imagine how Doumeki would react to a display like that.
“I don’t know whether it’s enough to help though,” Watanuki said sadly. “There’s just so many of them.”
They both lapsed into silence. When Watanuki had pictured meeting someone else with his ability in his younger years, he’d never pictured anything like this.
“You’ve seen what’s around Syaoran too,” said Sakura.
Watanuki tried and failed to decide whether that meant Sakura had heard the full story from Syaoran. At least for the purpose of the conversation, he didn’t need to know yet. “Yeah.”
“They’ve been there ever since that day we escaped. He didn’t mean to hurt anyone, he was just trying to protect me. He always protects me, through everything we’ve been through. That part – and what he did, he doesn’t remember anymore. But I can’t forget. I can’t ever forget anything. He shouldn’t have to know about everything. I thought, just this one time, I should be able to protect him from something. That’s why I never told him.”
Sakura shook herself slightly. “I’m sorry. I know I can’t be making much sense to you.”
“No, it’s alright, I think I understand.” Somehow, that was more than just a comforting lie. Even if Watanuki had no idea what she was referring to, there was something – maybe the emotion in her voice – that made him feel like he’d understood far more than he should have. “It’s like you said about the ghosts – to have even one person to listen, even if they can’t understand everything, it makes a difference. For me too. I’ve never spoken to anyone else who saw them before.”
Sakura rubbed her eyes, and looked up at him again. “Then we can all take care of each other, right?”
Watanuki only wished he believed it.
***
Doumeki got back to their shared building that evening to find that – for once, Watanuki hadn’t gone to bed ahead of him. He wasn’t even in the room. With a sense of nagging familiarity, Doumeki went for a lap of the camp perimeter. He eventually found Watanuki seated on the remains of the old low wall around the Western side – not exactly the same place he’d turned up last time he hadn’t been able to sleep, but close enough.
Watanuki gave him no more than a cursory backward glance as he approached, and remained silent until Doumeki came to a stop behind the wall to his side.
“Couldn’t sleep again?”
“Did you know Sakura could see ghosts?” said Watanuki. His voice had that accusatory quality which Doumeki hadn’t heard for a while.
“So I hear.”
“Well? Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“Not really,” said Doumeki. As long as they didn’t lead her to any buried treasure, it didn’t make much difference.
“I should’ve known,” said Watanuki with a weak laugh.
After a minute has passed without Doumeki finding anything to say in reply, Watanuki came out with, “Look, I’m going to start talking, alright? About a whole lot of things I’m sure you’ve got no interest in, so you don’t have to say anything. You don’t even have to pay much attention, but I need someone to listen or it’s all going to stay bottled up in here all night. And then probably neither of us would get any sleep.”
Doumeki gave a slight nod in confirmation.
“This world – it’s all wrong,” Watanuki began. “That wouldn’t be news to anyone, I know, but other people don’t realise how wrong. I don’t just see ghosts now and then, I see them everywhere. There’s thousands of them – too many to count – always right there on the edge of what I can see. There’s so many I don’t know how everyone else doesn’t see them too.
“What happened Before – so many people dying at once like that – it’s not supposed to happen. It’s like things don’t know how to live or die properly anymore because everything got thrown out of balance. And the ghosts I see are all so miserable. When it gets worst they all scream and wail and beg for things no-one can give them. They want us to survive so badly, sometimes even more than we want to, but most of them don’t have any idea how to help. If they get too close, all they can do is drag us down with them.”
Watanuki took a breath there, and continued on in a quieter tone. “Sakura said she can’t hear them. She thought it was wonderful that I could talk to them because that way I could help, but what can I do? There’s six billion of them and there’s only one of me, and the things they want to tell me I can’t stand to hear. They keep on talking even when I’m trying so hard not to listen. What good is that?”
“Isn’t that the same as what I’m doing?” said Doumeki. Watanuki looked at him, uncomprehending.
“Being here to hear you,” Doumeki explained. “Even if I’m not listening very hard.” Though he couldn’t easily not listen. Even if Doumeki didn’t understand half of what he was on about, Watanuki’s voice was hypnotic.
“I guess…” said Watanuki, sounding uncertain.
“Then that’s enough, isn’t it?” said Doumeki. “To help.” He wasn’t sure whether Watanuki was fully convinced, but he settled down a little, looking thoughtful.
“Sorry,” he said. “I don’t talk about this much.”
“No-one else to pretend to listen to you?”
“Look,” said Watanuki irritably, “It’s not like you’re the only people I’ve ever met who could ever be something like civil to me. I have known people I actually liked before. And even the worst gangs at least believed me.”
“But we’re the only ones who are still alive?” Doumeki hazarded.
Watanuki glared at him. “Since when does death stop people bothering me? The one difference is that you’re the ones who are here.”
“Would you rather be somewhere else?”
Watanuki sighed. “Nowhere I can think of. Oh, why can’t you ever just let me win an argument for a change?”
“Are we arguing?”
“We might as well be.”
“Don’t see why,” said Doumeki. “Ready to come back inside?”
Apparently, Watanuki was.
Other parts so far: The original ficlets, Plot notes, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7
The best thing that could be said about the conversation Watanuki had with Sakura the following day was that it was the one such event that week that didn’t come as a complete surprise, because she’d been looking at him like she had something to say all day. When Fye vanished off into the lab building for some part or other he needed, she didn’t wait long before making the most of the opportunity.
“Syaoran-kun told you, didn’t he? What I can see?” she asked softly, even as she was fishing busily through the toolbox with her grease-stained hands.
Several thoughts collided in Watanuki’s head regarding the probability of Syaoran having told Sakura the full contents of their conversation the day before versus the odds he’d misinterpreted Sakura’s statement completely. Only then did it occur to him that Syaoran could have mentioned that one part without telling her all the details. It would probably be prudent not to bring up any more than he was sure she knew, anyway.
“The ghosts?” he said, instinctively letting his voice rise no louder than hers.
Sakura nodded. “On cloudy days, there’s a grey woman who watches the sunrise from the edge of the camp. You’ve seen her too, right?”
Watanuki could only stare, eyes wide.
“I’m not like you,” Sakura said sadly, finding the tool she needed by touch and bringing her hands back to her chest. “I can only barely see them. Often, they’re only shapes and I can’t make any sense of what they try to say to me. I see their mouths move, and they point and try to tell me things, but I can’t hear a word. They can’t show me where to find things like they can show you. I can’t help them like you can.”
“But – you really see them!” Watanuki blurted. “No-one else I’ve ever met could do that. I thought I must be the only one in the world…”
But Sakura was shaking her head. “All I can do is see how much they’re hurting. What you can do – it’s all real, isn’t it? It’s so much more important.”
“I don’t know that I really help them,” replied Watanuki. “When they talk to me – take me places, it’s them trying to help us, mostly. I can’t do much for them in return. Most of them don’t seem to want anything.”
“But you can still listen, can’t you? Even just to have someone who can listen, I’m sure that must mean a lot to so many of them.”
Watanuki recalled many nights spent in childhood – even into his older years – huddled under whatever covers he had, blocking his hears against hundreds of voices crying and wailing horrors he couldn’t bear to hear. He’d never felt guilty about it before. It hadn’t happened nearly so much since he’d joined this camp – thank god, he didn’t want to imagine how Doumeki would react to a display like that.
“I don’t know whether it’s enough to help though,” Watanuki said sadly. “There’s just so many of them.”
They both lapsed into silence. When Watanuki had pictured meeting someone else with his ability in his younger years, he’d never pictured anything like this.
“You’ve seen what’s around Syaoran too,” said Sakura.
Watanuki tried and failed to decide whether that meant Sakura had heard the full story from Syaoran. At least for the purpose of the conversation, he didn’t need to know yet. “Yeah.”
“They’ve been there ever since that day we escaped. He didn’t mean to hurt anyone, he was just trying to protect me. He always protects me, through everything we’ve been through. That part – and what he did, he doesn’t remember anymore. But I can’t forget. I can’t ever forget anything. He shouldn’t have to know about everything. I thought, just this one time, I should be able to protect him from something. That’s why I never told him.”
Sakura shook herself slightly. “I’m sorry. I know I can’t be making much sense to you.”
“No, it’s alright, I think I understand.” Somehow, that was more than just a comforting lie. Even if Watanuki had no idea what she was referring to, there was something – maybe the emotion in her voice – that made him feel like he’d understood far more than he should have. “It’s like you said about the ghosts – to have even one person to listen, even if they can’t understand everything, it makes a difference. For me too. I’ve never spoken to anyone else who saw them before.”
Sakura rubbed her eyes, and looked up at him again. “Then we can all take care of each other, right?”
Watanuki only wished he believed it.
***
Doumeki got back to their shared building that evening to find that – for once, Watanuki hadn’t gone to bed ahead of him. He wasn’t even in the room. With a sense of nagging familiarity, Doumeki went for a lap of the camp perimeter. He eventually found Watanuki seated on the remains of the old low wall around the Western side – not exactly the same place he’d turned up last time he hadn’t been able to sleep, but close enough.
Watanuki gave him no more than a cursory backward glance as he approached, and remained silent until Doumeki came to a stop behind the wall to his side.
“Couldn’t sleep again?”
“Did you know Sakura could see ghosts?” said Watanuki. His voice had that accusatory quality which Doumeki hadn’t heard for a while.
“So I hear.”
“Well? Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“Not really,” said Doumeki. As long as they didn’t lead her to any buried treasure, it didn’t make much difference.
“I should’ve known,” said Watanuki with a weak laugh.
After a minute has passed without Doumeki finding anything to say in reply, Watanuki came out with, “Look, I’m going to start talking, alright? About a whole lot of things I’m sure you’ve got no interest in, so you don’t have to say anything. You don’t even have to pay much attention, but I need someone to listen or it’s all going to stay bottled up in here all night. And then probably neither of us would get any sleep.”
Doumeki gave a slight nod in confirmation.
“This world – it’s all wrong,” Watanuki began. “That wouldn’t be news to anyone, I know, but other people don’t realise how wrong. I don’t just see ghosts now and then, I see them everywhere. There’s thousands of them – too many to count – always right there on the edge of what I can see. There’s so many I don’t know how everyone else doesn’t see them too.
“What happened Before – so many people dying at once like that – it’s not supposed to happen. It’s like things don’t know how to live or die properly anymore because everything got thrown out of balance. And the ghosts I see are all so miserable. When it gets worst they all scream and wail and beg for things no-one can give them. They want us to survive so badly, sometimes even more than we want to, but most of them don’t have any idea how to help. If they get too close, all they can do is drag us down with them.”
Watanuki took a breath there, and continued on in a quieter tone. “Sakura said she can’t hear them. She thought it was wonderful that I could talk to them because that way I could help, but what can I do? There’s six billion of them and there’s only one of me, and the things they want to tell me I can’t stand to hear. They keep on talking even when I’m trying so hard not to listen. What good is that?”
“Isn’t that the same as what I’m doing?” said Doumeki. Watanuki looked at him, uncomprehending.
“Being here to hear you,” Doumeki explained. “Even if I’m not listening very hard.” Though he couldn’t easily not listen. Even if Doumeki didn’t understand half of what he was on about, Watanuki’s voice was hypnotic.
“I guess…” said Watanuki, sounding uncertain.
“Then that’s enough, isn’t it?” said Doumeki. “To help.” He wasn’t sure whether Watanuki was fully convinced, but he settled down a little, looking thoughtful.
“Sorry,” he said. “I don’t talk about this much.”
“No-one else to pretend to listen to you?”
“Look,” said Watanuki irritably, “It’s not like you’re the only people I’ve ever met who could ever be something like civil to me. I have known people I actually liked before. And even the worst gangs at least believed me.”
“But we’re the only ones who are still alive?” Doumeki hazarded.
Watanuki glared at him. “Since when does death stop people bothering me? The one difference is that you’re the ones who are here.”
“Would you rather be somewhere else?”
Watanuki sighed. “Nowhere I can think of. Oh, why can’t you ever just let me win an argument for a change?”
“Are we arguing?”
“We might as well be.”
“Don’t see why,” said Doumeki. “Ready to come back inside?”
Apparently, Watanuki was.
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no subject
Date: 2007-09-27 02:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-28 12:49 am (UTC)Doumeki has got some odd ways of cheering Watanuki up, doesn't he? But in its own weird way, it still works.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-27 10:50 pm (UTC)I think I might love this chapter the most. It's so...adsjkdsljdfsajk AWW...
All the characterizations are spot on. Sakura caring about Syaoran and being sad about not being able to help the spirits. And Watanuki (jskfaddjkd <3) feeling guilty that he can't deal with helping the spirits and ignoring them. And Doumeki with his perfectly sound but seemingly baseless logic. :D
I love you. <3 (Have I asked already: marry me and join my harem plz?)
no subject
Date: 2007-09-28 01:09 am (UTC)Doumeki is very, very hard for poor Watanuki to argue with when he pulls out logic like that. He may like Sakura more, but Doumeki manages to be a far better influence on his mood in his own bizarre way.
(Wait, what harem? XD)
no subject
Date: 2007-09-28 03:39 pm (UTC)(>3 I never asked. Marry me and join my harem, because you are made of win and awesomesauce?)
no subject
Date: 2007-09-27 11:44 pm (UTC)I loved it ^_^
no subject
Date: 2007-09-28 01:13 am (UTC)Watanuki can be having a discussion about similar things but it's his reactions to who he's speaking with that are the most telling.
Very true. There are some things you can only say to someone who you don't have to act like you like. Dealing with Doumeki must be horribly stressful and incredibly stress relieving for him all at once. Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2007-09-28 12:44 am (UTC)This felt like a far cry from the Watanuki I know but then I remembered he was sort of like this in the early days of the manga. So is he going to actively start helping some ghosts this time around?
Ohh, this feels like the way CLAMP would write. Never know whats going to happen next! XD Good job! <3
no subject
Date: 2007-09-28 01:16 am (UTC)As was pointed out, there isn't really much Watanuki can do to help so many ghosts other than listen and give them a way to help the living, which he's already doing. Mostly this has just given him a new perspective on it all.
Never know whats going to happen next!
With all the random plot elements I've got planned, that may be true for quite a while yet.
no subject
Date: 2007-10-12 08:30 pm (UTC)And it means something that though Sakura can see what he sees, a little, the person he needed to tell it to was Doumeki.
But Sakura is absolutely right, and while I usually detest not telling people something for thier own good -- in this case, I approve. I don't know what Syaoran did -- but I think he doesn't need to know.
What really got me the most about this chapter, though, was Watanuki talking about the world and how it is broken. The lines about people not knowing how to live or die anymore after such a huge, utterly unnatural death -- I first read this when you first posted it (just not ocmmenting until now) and it's been haunting me since.
no subject
Date: 2007-10-13 03:00 am (UTC)And I think he has been for a while by now. Being Doumeki though, he doesn't have any need to rationalise any of it. Watanuki wasn't where he should have been, Doumeki went looking for him. Even if it might not be officially so important by this point, he still thinks of Watanuki as being his responsibility.
And it means something that though Sakura can see what he sees, a little, the person he needed to tell it to was Doumeki.
Oh, it means a *lot*. He's been getting awfully attached to Sakura since they first met, but the thing about Doumeki is that just about nothing Watanuki says to him will hurt or even bother him, and that's something that he needed more than maybe even he realised at the time.
What really got me the most about this chapter, though, was Watanuki talking about the world and how it is broken. The lines about people not knowing how to live or die anymore after such a huge, utterly unnatural death -- I first read this when you first posted it (just not ocmmenting until now) and it's been haunting me since.
There is this kind of duality in this world between the usual attitude of 'the apocalypse happened and then we all got on with our lives', and just the occasional reminder of just how utterly fsked up the world they're living in is, and poor Watanuki's unusually well placed to know about the latter part. All the more reason he needed someone like Doumeki to talk to about it.
no subject
Date: 2007-10-14 03:07 pm (UTC)...and Watanuki found out that while his words couldn't hurt or bother Doumeki, there are certain actions that would.
Hmmm. For all that his previous, errr, owners, have possessed force and been able to hurt him -- is Doumeki the first one who is really strong enough in his soul to listen to Watanuki?
How well does Watanuki think Kuro's camp can protect itself against the kinds of people who usually go after him? He's seen enough to have decided they're tough enough to survive the world, but a determined attempt to get him is not the same thing at all.
no subject
Date: 2007-10-15 01:05 am (UTC)Most of them he wouldn't have ever spoken to just because he wouldn't have trusted them enough to open up to, and they wouldn't have wanted to listen - you can guess what kind of people most of them were.
How well does Watanuki think Kuro's camp can protect itself against the kinds of people who usually go after him? He's seen enough to have decided they're tough enough to survive the world, but a determined attempt to get him is not the same thing at all.
Watanuki is just about convinced that someone else is going to come along and steal him from Kurogane's camp eventually. It doesn't even have much to do with whether he thinks they could fight off a determined attack - he's just so used to it happening everywhere he's ever been before. It's one of the biggest things making it hard for him to settle in properly.